However, curious about all the horoscope hoopla, I pick up a local newspaper to check out what people of my sign – Aquarians – should do today.
I’m immediately cautious. The horoscope section in The Santa Fe New Mexican is sandwiched between “Annie’s Mailbox” advice column and “Hocus Focus” puzzles. However, my horoscope for today says Aquarians are going to have a “dynamic experience,” according to astrologer Jacqueline Bigar.
“Recognize that you can’t do more than is possible. You need to take better care of yourself. Make it OK to be a couch potato for now. Tonight: Don’t feel as though you have to go anywhere.”
Not exactly a dynamic outlook, this advice may nevertheless be spot on. Maybe I do need to slow down a little. On the other hand, I wonder what other horoscopes have to say. I get comfy of the couch, go online and check out Newsday.
“It’s the ideal day for getting involved in some negotiations because you’ll be able to play your hand without giving away too many of your tactics or motives.”
I don’t get it. How can one horoscope say, “Be a couch potato,” and another, “It’s the perfect day for getting involved.” Get involved from the couch? How?
I check out what famous astrologer Linda C. Black has to say.
“Dare to speak words of romance and passion right out loud.”
Again, am I supposed to do this from the couch, in my living room, a place where the echo is real bad?
“Declare your heart to someone important,” Ms. Black continues. “Share a bold decision. Write poetry or prose. Send off a message in a bottle.”
To me, this sounds like, “Read poetry and drink heavily tonight, then go online for love.” Geez – I could have written that (and have followed similar advice several times before and got nowhere).
The New York Post horoscope says, “Chances are you want to relax and not take life too seriously this week.”
“This week” – does that mean I take the whole week off from work? Stay on the couch for seven entire days? I need more guidance than this.
The Albuquerque Journal suggests, “You might pull back in your personal life and create some space until you figure things out.”
Figure what out? Do I have a big problem I’m not aware of?
The Journal goes on to say, “Check the ristra.”
What? Do they mean the dried chili pods hanging by my front door? Does my ristra needs replacing? And is that what I’m supposed to “figure out?” Maybe The Journal’s horoscope is too local for such a big Aquarian as me.
I try The New York Daily News.
“Love: You want strong connections, but also need independence. Career: Opportunities for work and money can open up.”
Open up how? I thought I was supposed to be at home this week, on the couch, taking it easy, writing poetry and drinking a lot while looking online for love. Every horoscope for Aquarians today is different. Does the kind of day astrologers predict I’ll have simply depend on which newspaper I happen to read? Which astrologer I think is prettier?
I scan The Albuquerque Journal horoscope one last time when I notice something at the bottom of the page.
“If you don’t like your horoscope click here to change your luck with the stars. These horoscopes are for your entertainment only. They are generated randomly by computer.”
What? You mean I could’ve lost a week of pay because I listened to a computer generated horoscope? I can just see my horoscope for tomorrow: “Pay scale goes into retrograde; love life disappears into black hole; Mars has last laugh.”
The heck with it. I’m going Capricorn from now on. Or Pisces. Or Scorpio – that’s a cool-sounding name. I don’t care what day I was born on. Aquarians are all wet. Supposed trailblazers of the zodiac, we’re terminally stuck spinning around in orbit as lame Water Bearers, singing hysterically for someone to please let the sunshine in.
I pick up The Santa Fe Reporter. Finally, someone’s got it right – their horoscope is on the next to last page.
All horoscopes were taken from cited newspapers and astrologers on February 22, 2015.
(The God Aquarius slipping on wet floor.)