After working in the thrift trade for six months now, I’ve noticed a curious trend. Buried inside nearly every box of donated goods I open is a candle … thingamajig. When did candlemiscellaniae become so popular?
In fact, in just one day this week, I sorted out these six wonders of the wick and wax trade (as shown above in glorious slide show presentation):
#1 The “peace on Earth” model – whose beauty may even lift it off the ground if kept alight long enough
#2 The “wax in roses” quadrant model – with the added feature that it can emboss synthetic flower petals in wax for all time
#3 The “celestial candelabrum” model – suitable to grace any grand piano, Liberace’s included
#4 The “9 times the fun with wax” model – whose users can envision a day when the entire base is covered in tallow
#5 The “praise to the heavens” model – so good it’s gotta be raised from the very desk it sits upon
#6 The “flambeau” model (far right-hand side candle in photo) – large enough to light up a cave end to end
What a waxy mess all these models create, not to mention weird candle odors throughout the house. And what about those cornball, ticky-tacky, nick knack candle holder designs?
So, you might ask, how and why has candleitis disease become so widespread? First off, I believe most of these candle do-flops were given as presents or I wouldn’t see them donated in such pristine condition. Worse yet, through the reckless behavior of re-gifting to “friends” (note: real friends don’t give candle hodgepodge as a serious gift), the disease is transmitted on to other innocent people. Before you know it, candleitis has spread everywhere since the same wicky item can be re-gifted ad infinitum.
I remember the good old days when candles and candlesticks served far better purposes. Did you know candles were once used to examine eggs for freshness? That candlelight became the standard unit of luminous intensity? That people celebrated something called the Candlemas church festival? And that people actually went candlestick bowling?
Ha! The “9 times the fun with wax” model couldn’t hold a candle to candlestick bowling.