Not too many years ago, spurred on by Valentine’s Day energy and excitement, I joined several online dating services.
A year later, instead of answering another computer match, I wrote in my journal, “The Dimensions of Combatibility List, Points 1 – 29, by Mike Andberg.” The entry that day went something like this:
Tuesday. From my online dating experiment, I’m even more cynical about women and compatibility than ever. Tired of reading ridiculous “match” profiles dating services have sent me, I’m writing this list to help clarify, without a doubt, the things I never want to experience in a “match” again, or, in other words, the kind of woman who:
1.) Expresses love as the desire to “snuggle with my sig, my very special sum1.”
2.) Wants “to do it ALL in life – sell real estate, too.”
3.) Has “adorable kids living at home who are twenty-five and twenty-seven.”
4.) Has “adorable kids living at home who are twenty-five and twenty-seven” and she’s forty-one.
5.) Writes, “Still want to see everything – Indochina, Sri Lanka, South Africa – maybe you too?”
6.) Has any part of her hair poofed.
7.) Has big teeth, then tries to compensate with lots of poofs.
8.) Actually considers ice-skating to be TV sports programming.
9.) Says she already feels she’s known me forever and that it’s obviously from a past life.
Not to mention a woman whose:
10.) Perfect online man “will complement me in every way. If that’s you – LET ME KNOW!!!”
11.) Every written sentence ends in an exclamation point.
12.) Favorite month is “winter.”
13.) Secret treasure is the magazine rack at the grocery check-out.
14.) Best online photo is with her dog, and it’s a toss-up which I’d rather get close to.
15.) Coffee table magazines are “Le Courier,” “The Economist” and “The Guardian.”
16.) Every outfit must have rhinestones on it.
17.) Toenails resemble fish scales. Or rhinestones.
Then there are the characteristics I have already experienced without help of online services about a woman who:
18.) Thinks a newborn baby is cuter than a puppy.
19.) Wears hair rollers to the mall that day “to look good for everyone at the party tonight.”
20.) Says, “No way!” to smoking, but lights up at the very whiff of Jagermeister.
21.) Says she can eat hotter chili than anyone and downs it with a fifty dollar bottle of wine.
22.) Demands diet colas but downs every Goober before the movie previews even start.
23.) Reacts with “Hm-m-m” after every line in the movie.
24.) Sneaks syrup to the dinner table.
25.) Has more pets in her house than usable sharp knives.
26.) Gets back at me by re-setting the car seat adjustments to fit Orson Wells.
27.) Talks so much I review TV Guide in my head to survive.
28.) Likes to sleep in sky-diver positions.
29.) Likes to sleep in sky-diver positions with all her pets.
Writing this list is SO cathartic. I’m taking a hefty gulp from an Old Fashioned to toast my accomplishment.
Wednesday. The buzz has worn off. I feel like a schmuck. Sure, my list represents many real losers I’ve met. But let’s face it. Someone who says those things about women doesn’t deserve a date. I’m bound to show up on every “What Kind of Man to Absolutely NOT Date” list written by women all over online America.
Thursday How on Earth does anybody live happily with one person every day for the entirety of a lifetime? I want to know, but it’s unfathomable to me how. It’ll take the rest of my life to answer that question. I guess I’ll just navigate life by myself in the meantime.
Friday Wait a minute. Remember “Loaded and Looking,” “Real Women Have Curves,” and “Fun Waiting to be Had ?” Dude – SO much more could be worse than navigating life by your damn self for a while.
The excerpt above is from the chapter titled “Girls” in my memoir Maybe Boomer.